#might have to call out a couple days in a row every month bc I’ll be busy curled up in a ball crying or sleeping for two days

[milo-is-rambling]

Most of the time I think life is so so good and then I have one minuscule moment of pain again and it’s like nvm I need to die

[retrievablememories]

U.N.I. | doyoung (m)

title: college love pairing: doyoung x black!reader genre: fluff, smut, college!au request: There’s suddenly a foreigner in his class (University of course). He teases her and always seems to stick to her side. The kick is, is that she finds out he likes her by eavesdropping [I wanted to give you room to flex that brain of yours bc your writing is like magic] word count: 6.3k warnings: emetophobia warning, alcohol use, sub!doyoung, handjob, oral (female receiving...and a little bit male receiving?), thigh riding a/n: shout out to anon for the new title idea cuz i be struggling lmaoo

Doyoung is curious. 

You are new to his class, having joined a couple weeks after the semester had already begun. You’re certainly not the first foreigner he’s seen, considering that the university is an international school that sees a wealth of students from other countries every year.

But still. He’s curious.

You both sit in the same row, with you a few seats down from him. That makes it harder for him to sneak glances over at you without being too obvious or receiving weird looks from the other students who think he’s staring at them. Mostly, he contents himself with hearing your voice when you answer questions or occasionally talk to your other classmates.

Doyoung tries to think about how he might also get to talk to you without seeming weird or too random, which makes him feel even sillier because he usually doesn’t have this much anxiety over talking to new people. However, he doesn’t have to ponder over it for much longer when the professor decides to split each row into groups for an in-class assignment.

You and him and three other people from your row gather together in a circle, and there are a few awkward introductions—as is the norm with classmates who haven’t truly interacted with each other before.

“I’m Y/N,”  you introduce yourself, glancing at the others sitting across from you.

They nod in acknowledgement, and Doyoung responds with, “It’s nice to meet you.” He makes sure to give his best welcoming smile, which you return.

Despite all five of you being in the same group, it soon becomes apparent that Doyoung is the best ally to have on your team. The other three students couldn’t be less motivated about the assignment if they tried, mostly gleaning answers off the two of you.

By the time the period ends, you are more than ready to get the hell out and go to your next class. You can only roll your eyes at knowing they’ll get credit for work they barely even helped with. However, your bad mood is momentarily interrupted by your only other partner who bothered to help—Doyoung.

“Thanks for that,” he says as you pass by his desk. You stop and turn around, raising your eyebrows. “You know, for...that.” Doyoung shoots an icy look towards the other people in your row. Only one of them meets his eyes, though they pointedly try to pretend like they never saw him as they gather their things and leave.

You watch the awkward exchange and can’t help but laugh. “Oh yeah, no problem. It’s nice to have someone who actually cares enough to help.”

Doyoung instantly thinks your laugh is pretty, and he decides he wants to hear more of it.

“You know, if you ever want to work together again, I’m here,” he suggests. “I mean...you’re new here, right? So if you need any help with anything...just ask.”

You smile, grateful for the offer. “Oh really? That’s nice of you. I might just have to take you up on it...because I really don’t know a soul here.” You check your phone. “Shit, I should be getting to my next class. See you later. Thanks again!”

Doyoung waves as you leave the classroom, wanting to say more but knowing you’re busy, and he hopes that you really do consider his offer.

The next class doesn’t involve groups this time, much to your relief—and Doyoung’s as well. Doyoung still finds a way to talk to you without having to do group work, though; and the best part about it is that he doesn’t even have to do anything.

“Hey Doyoung,” you say, coming to stand by his desk at the end of class. He perks up in his seat at your presence, giving you an amiable smile.

“Hey Y/N, how are you?”

“I’m fine, though I do feel a little lost at the moment.”

Doyoung’s eyebrows draw together. “What’s the matter?”

You laugh and shake your head, a little embarrassed to tell him. “Okay, like, I have a map of the campus and everything, but I keep getting lost trying to go to classes and it’s kind of annoying...plus I don’t need a bunch of tardies in my first month here.”

“Your professors still care about that kind of stuff?”

“Yep. Unfortunately, I didn’t get any of the cool ones who don’t give a fuck about someone coming in late—for a class I’m paying for. Amazing.”

Doyoung smirks. “So you need a tour guide, is that it?”

You shrug. “If you’re up for it. I don’t wanna take up too much of your time, you know, if you’re busy. This campus is unnecessarily huge.”

Doyoung gathers his bag and stands to his feet. “Of course I can help the damsel in distress.”

“Damsel, huh?” You snort. “What’re you then, a knight in shining armor?”

“I can be if you want me to be.”

“You a comedian or something?” You give him a look between incredulity and amusement, a bit surprised at him being so brazen. “Let’s go then, brave knight. Help me find out where the Student Affairs office is before I completely lose my mind.”

Just as you asked, Doyoung leads you right to the Student Affairs office—and to a bunch of other places on campus, which you’re not entirely sure you’re going to remember. At least you have him to walk you through it until you memorize everything. 

Finally, you both stop in a grassy area of campus with a few benches nearby, standing under the shade of a tree. Doyoung turns to you. “I’ve dragged you all over this campus now, so I guess the least I could do is buy you a coffee or something.”

“You did it because I asked! But...if you’re determined to pay, I won’t stop you.” You laugh.

“Do you remember where the coffee shop is?” Doyoung asks, like he’s a professor giving you a pop quiz. You sweat because you’ve already forgotten, and you screw your face up in mock concentration.

“Umm...that way?” You point in a random direction and he chuckles when it’s wrong. He grabs your arm and guides it to the right direction, which is behind you—right in the area you just came from.

“No, it’s here! Let’s go. We’re gonna need to spend some more time out here later.”

By the end of the day, you’re surprised by how comfortable you already feel around Doyoung despite only talking to him for the first time in your group assignment the other day. He appears to think the same of you, if him sliding you his number is any indication.

“I know we have a class together, but if you want to talk outside of that…you know where to reach me now.” He taps his fingers against the table you’re both sitting at. “I think you’ll definitely be needing another tour soon.”

“I tried my best.” You sigh dramatically, placing your chin in your hand. “But thanks. I’ve got your number now, so don’t feel a way if you see me bothering you more often.” You flash him a teasing grin.

Doyoung shakes his head goodnaturedly at your statement, taking another sip of his coffee. “Somehow, I don’t think I’ll mind.”

Though you do call on Doyoung to help you get around campus a few more times, he ends up hanging around you a lot more often outside the guise of being your personal tour guide.

Whether it’s to go to the library, visit a fast food place off campus, or even see some sports game, he’s never far away. During your first month of being at school, he’d simply explained it as wanting you to get familiar with the sights in and around campus so you wouldn’t get lost again. However, it quickly culminates in him randomly asking you to go places just because he can—and because he wants to.

You’re glad for his company—much more than you’d let him know, not wanting to come off as too clingy. Though Doyoung seems like the type to be all about his studies—which he mostly is, and it’s not a bad thing—he also knows how to have fun and how to make you laugh, even explaining jokes in Korean that go over your head. 

He makes you feel remarkably less alone while adjusting to living in another country, far away from home. It also doesn’t take you long to find out that he’s good for teasing you to no end, which often makes you want to roll your eyes or flick him in the forehead, but even his banter reminds you of your friends back home. You’re incredibly grateful for that small piece of familiarity.

After a couple months of finally settling into the campus life, you, Doyoung, and a few of his friends decide to go to a frat house party, along with Seulgi—a girl you’re becoming close to in another one of your classes. You’re not entirely sure what to anticipate, but the experience is quite similar to what you’d expect to see back in your home country—the same drunk dancing, endless shots of alcohol, loud music, and men who are far too grabby for their own good.

Speaking of that last point…

You and Seulgi dance together amongst a flood of bodies, which is fun for a while until random men keep trying to drag you away from each other to dance with them instead; some of them are more agitated than others about being rejected.

“College guys are dangerously horny.” Seulgi laughs, though she also cuts her eyes at a small group of men nearby who’re giving you both ravenous looks.

“Kinda wish they’d go be horny somewhere else,” you say, and then you roll your eyes when yet another hand brushes against your waist. You turn to see who the culprit is this time, but it’s only Doyoung, and you’re palpably relieved to see him. “You’re back! Seems like you’d disappeared forever.”

“Yes, I am. Someone’s excited. Did you miss me that bad?” He smirks.

“Oh, please. I’m just happy you’re here so the creeps will go away.”

When you say this, his expression instantly morphs into one of recognizable concern. “Is someone bothering you two?”

“Not really, these dudes are just weirdly pushy.” Seulgi giggles, trying to wave it off. The last thing you all need is to start an argument or a full-out fight with one of these frat guys.

“Forreal. Therefore, you should act like you’re my boyfriend until the night is over.” You declare this unabashedly, linking your arm with Doyoung’s. For a second, he seems flustered at your suggestion, and then his face settles back into the same cool countenance as before.

“Fine, since you want to be next to me so much.” You elbow him at that. “That’s a good save for you, but what about Seulgi?” Doyoung asks, looking at the other girl. She is unbothered, though, and casually grabs his other arm.

“Poly relationship. Ever heard of it?” Now he really is flustered, and you laugh out loud at his expression.

You spend a good portion of the night like that, all three of you linked together as the perfect “throuple,” with some people at the party giving you interesting looks. When Johnny sees you all, he throws you and Doyoung an expression reminiscent of a grin—but somehow more devious—and Doyoung only twists his mouth up in a sneer. You don’t know what any of that interaction means, though it makes you wonder.

Seulgi eventually decides she prefers Johnny to be her fake boyfriend instead of Doyoung and goes off with him to do...whatever it is they went to do. You’re sure you can take a guess, though.

After the other two take their leave, you and Doyoung eventually end up on the back porch. It’s a little cooler out here than it is inside, though still a bit crowded with lingering couples and groups. You’re both bunched up in a small corner against the side of the house, leaning over the railing to look out at the backyard—which is mostly just trees and bushes.

“Well, how are you enjoying your first college party?” he asks, casting a questioning glance your way.

“It’s fun. I think I could see why some people end up spending all their time on this instead of studying, ha.”

“Hey, don’t become a party girl ‘cause I’m not gonna do all your homework for you.” Doyoung snickers.

“Oh, Doyoung. I wouldn’t expect you to, you’re not even good at science.”

He sucks his teeth and tucks his chin into his arms to hide the grin playing across his face. It’s quiet again for a little while, or as quiet as it can be with the others on the porch talking and laughing.

Doyoung peeks at you from underneath his fringe and thinks about what he should say next. Something like...not that, but…well, what if he did? Would it be terrible if he said it now, right here at a crowded frat party on some rickety back porch? Maybe, but…

Doyoung pushes himself off the railing and looks at you, tracing your profile with his eyes. Maybe the alcohol has taken more effect on him than he initially thought. “Y/N…” he starts, and you glance at him.

Just then, a red-faced dude who’s obviously incredibly smashed stumbles over to where you two are and promptly throws up on the floor. Some of it gets on Doyoung’s shoes, which causes him to jump back and curse loudly.

“Are you a fucking idiot?!”

“That’s disgusting,” you groan, turning your face away from the mess. You’d probably laugh if it weren’t so gross—and wasn’t right next to where you were standing. The guy doesn’t pay either of you much attention, though, because he’s too busy slumping against the railing like he’s going to pass out. Maybe somebody should worry about that, but it won’t be either of you.

“Ugh, for fuck’s sake...come on.” Doyoung takes your hand and carefully steers you around the mess, heading back indoors and maneuvering through the thick of the party. You’re not sure where he’s going at first until you both end up in some cramped bathroom, with him pulling his shoes off and running them under the tub faucet. You lean against the door, feeling like you need to stand guard so no drunken couples will burst in, even though it’s already locked. You’re not quite sure why he brought you along for this little ride, but you’re not complaining; it’s better than being left outside.

You look at him sitting on the edge of the tub and angrily wiping his shoes as best he can with toilet paper, and you giggle, though you try to keep it quiet. However, you can’t stop more giggles from pouring out at his comically pissed-off expression. Doyoung looks up at you with his eyebrows creased, a confused and irritated look coloring his features. “What’s so funny?”

You shake your head, unable to speak for a few moments. Doyoung tilts his head to the side and looks at you impatiently while you try to catch your breath, though his upset face only makes you want to laugh more. “I’m sorry, but from where I’m standing...th—this is pretty hilarious.” You burst out into laughter again. “I’m locked in a bathroom with you at a college party while you scrub vomit off your shoes. If this doesn’t make us friends for life, nothing will.”

To your surprise, he actually cracks a cynical grin after a few moments, shaking his head and sighing. His shoulders heave with the gesture. “I hate university sometimes.”

Doyoung tries not to think too deeply about that “friends for life” comment, though to his irritation, it stays in his head for days after the party. Even after he’s nearly forgotten about the shoe incident.

You go to the library one night to find an academic journal for an upcoming paper. You’re not happy about having to make the trek, especially in this digital era when everything imaginable is usually readily accessible online, but it is what it is.

At night, the library becomes more of a hangout spot rather than a place for studying, and you don’t entirely expect to get much reading done in there. You’re hoping there’s an empty room or something you can duck into to take some quick notes on the information you need.

Finding the journal takes a bit of searching, but you finally locate it on a shelf near the back of the library. You’re about to leave the aisle and find somewhere to read it when a couple of people walk into the aisle in front of yours. By their voices, you know it’s Doyoung and Johnny.

You decide to peek over and say hi, but before you can get to the end of the aisle, you hear their heated conversation. You stop in your tracks and listen, which you probably shouldn’t be doing; but you’re not sure if you want to interrupt this talk they’re having once you hear what they’re saying, either.

“You’re being ridiculous. Just tell her!” Johnny hisses under his breath like he wants to talk louder but doesn’t want to be too distracting in the library. Ever so courteous of him, but you doubt anyone else really cares at the moment.

“Hyung, not everybody is like you. It’s not easy to just go up to someone and say you like them.”

“You act as if you’re gonna be talking to a stranger. She knows you and you know her, you hang out all the time. It’s more likely that she does like you than she doesn’t.”

“...You really think that?”

“She lets you tell all your unfunny jokes without much complaint, so yeah, I’d say she must be head over heels for you.”

“Shut the hell up. Unfunny jokes? You’re one to talk!”

You listen to the conversation intently, wondering who this mystery girl Doyoung apparently likes could be. He’s never told you about having a crush on anyone, nor has he made it obvious that he likes someone else. Although you know he has other friends—Johnny’s obviously one of them—you’re not sure what girl he hangs out with all the time besides you.

Johnny chuckles. “Don’t be mad that Y/N laughs at my jokes more than yours.”

Your eyebrows raise at this. Wait. What does this conversation have to do with you? Unless.

“Yeah, you’re supposed to laugh at a clown,” Doyoung retorts.

“Whatever, Doyoung. You just do what I told you. It’s seriously so sad watching you pine over Y/N like there isn’t an easy solution for this.”

You’re reeling with shock by now, but their voices are also getting closer to the end of the aisle like they’re about to walk into the very one you’re hiding out in. You run away before they can spot you, though you do end up drawing a few peculiar glances from some other library goers.

You eventually find a quiet, uncrowded space to sit down and take notes in, though you can hardly concentrate on the work at hand with this new information in your mind. Doyoung likes you? Doyoung likes you. Then that must be why he always messes with you, and why he’s practically been glued to your side since you got there.

Your hand tightens and loosens around your pen repeatedly as you mull over this knowledge. The longer you think about it, though, a smirk grows on your face.

The week after, you and Doyoung have one of your regular study sessions together. You’ve dressed up for it more than you normally would—the same thing you’ve been doing throughout the week, too. Even if Doyoung doesn’t know what you know, you get a bit of fun out of dressing up to catch his eye. And it definitely works.

He always steals glances at you when he thinks you aren’t paying any attention, and you get infinite amusement out of whipping your head around to try to catch him in the act. The light blush on the tips of his ears and his startled bunny look is worth it every time.

“You got so dressed up just to study? You’ve really been going all out this week,” Doyoung comments as you sit down at your usual table in the library. He gives a small smirk as he scans your new outfit for today. He does this as if he’s only teasing and evaluating your clothes, puckering his lips in concentration, though it’s also an excuse to check you out.

“You could just say ‘you look so fucking fine this week, Y/N.’ I know you want to say it, anyway.” Doyoung’s cheeks flush a little, and he shakes his head.

“You’re something else. Okay, you look pretty. Does that satisfy you?”

“Well. You forgot the ‘fucking,’ but I’ll let it slide.”

You both get into your work and a calm quiet settles between you, punctuated with you occasionally asking each other questions about the assignment. At some point, you grow a little bored with staring at the text for so long, and you stop and simply look at Doyoung sitting across from you in one of his favorite hoodies and his glasses. Something tender rises in your chest, a sensation you hadn’t quite given a name to until now, and you put your cheek in your hand, grinning slightly.

“I wonder why someone like you doesn’t have a girlfriend yet.”

Doyoung looks up as if he’s not sure if you’re talking to him, then furrows his eyebrows. “Someone like me?”

“Aw, you know, you’re handsome and caring and smart, and you can even be a little bit funny—even though you get on my nerves sometimes.” Doyoung rolls his eyes at the last part, though you know he’s preening at your compliments.

“I don’t know, I’m busy with studies.”

“But isn’t there even one person you might like? Or might be interested in?” Doyoung’s not looking at you anymore, his eyes dropping back down to instead focus on his book, but you notice how his fingers tighten around the textbook’s edges.

“Um—well, I haven’t really thought about that…”

“Really? No one in your dorm or your classes has caught your eye?”

Doyoung shifts a little and clears his throat. He shakes his head in response to your question, though the movement is hesitant. “What about you?”

“Changing the subject, huh? Excellent method of evasion…” You flip a page in your notebook, pointedly avoiding Doyoung’s gaze even though he’s peering up at you again. You wait with your lips clamped together, trying not to laugh as his expression grows more impatient.

“Well?! Aren’t you going to answer, after forcing me to?”

“I will when you tell the truth.” You slap the notebook closed, which causes him to jump, and this time a laugh does slip out. Doyoung’s eyes dart around your small section of the library like there might be someone else listening, or like he’s searching for a prank camera.

“The truth about what? I already told you!”

“Then what about what you told Johnny?”

Doyoung freezes for a moment, and various emotions flit across his face. He finally settles firmly on embarrassment and disappointment. “...He told you? I’m going to kill him.” His voice is softer now, like he would disappear completely if he could.

“No, I—okay, don’t get mad at me, it’s not like I did it on purpose, but I heard you two talking in here a week ago…”

“Oh...shit. You—you were there? And you didn’t say anything?!”

“Yeah. Not very discreet, huh? Maybe you want to do that in your dorm room next time.” You’re still smiling. Doyoung shifts nervously again, as if he just wants to get up and run the hell out.

“So, um…you know, then.”

“Yep.”

“If you don’t like me, you can just say so,” Doyoung blurts out. “I...it’s fine. I don’t expect anything of you, so we can really just forget all about this. I promise I won’t make things weird, Y/N. I just...I just found myself really liking you as we got to know each other.”

“You can’t make things weird when you’re already weird.” You giggle and place your hand over Doyoung’s, grasping his fingers. “So...let’s date, then.”

He looks at you questioningly, surprise taking over. “Wait, you’re serious?”

“I’m serious.” And now you’re a little embarrassed yourself, but you continue, “Doyoung...I like you too. I guess I don’t totally hate all your teasing. But don’t get cocky about it.”

Doyoung rearranges your hands so your fingers are now laced together. A relieved smile makes a home on his lips. “Well, too late. Now you’re never going to hear the end of it.”

“Oh, I can’t wait.” Your response is sarcastic, but the smile on your face is totally genuine.

That weekend, Johnny leaves the dorm to go visit some of his other friends in town, which means Doyoung will have the room all to himself for those few days. Normally his plans would consist of studying, trying to catch up on sleep, or seeing what his other friends are up to, but with you as his new girlfriend, he wants to spend that time together.

“So, this is your dorm,” you say, holding Doyoung’s hand as he leads you into his shared dorm with Johnny.

“Home away from home, I guess,” he says, leading you over to his bed so you can sit down. Before he can let go of your hand, you tug him to you and gesture for him to bring his face closer to yours, like you’re going to whisper something to him.

“What is it?” he asks. He’s quickly silenced by you pushing your lips against his in a kiss. When you both separate, it’s reluctant, and Doyoung pecks your mouth once more before straightening up again. You laugh at the slightly goofy grin on his face.

“What should we do?” you ask, getting more comfortable on his bed and leaning against the wall.

“I had movies in mind, but we can do anything you want.”

“Movies are fine! Hurry and start it up, I’m gonna get cold without you beside me.”

Doyoung gives an overexaggerated cringe, and you hide your face. “And you complain about me being cheesy?!”

You both make it through two and a half movies before you start getting antsy with sitting in the same spot for so long. Doyoung is still lying calmly beside you, his arm around your shoulder and the other behind his head as he continues watching the movie. Deciding to act on a whim, you abandon all pretenses of watching any more of the movie and swing your legs over his own so you’re sitting in his lap. When you situate yourself in his lap, he seems a bit starstruck, as if he wasn’t expecting this to happen—like, ever.

“Y/N…” Doyoung’s voice is surprisingly soft, like the day you revealed your feelings for each other. It’s a noticeable departure from his usual demeanor. He blinks at you for a couple moments.

“What?” you say innocently, copying his actions and blinking back at him.

Doyoung swipes his tongue across his lips, though it’s more of a nervous gesture than anything else. “You’re...you know.”

You chuckle. “‘You know’? Let’s use our words.”

“You’re, uh...s-soft,” is what he stammers out, like it was the only thing he could think of at the last minute.

“And you should be hard, but you’re not yet. So let’s fix that. If you want to?” You quickly tack the last sentence on, trying to give him an out if he really doesn’t want this. However, the hands that suddenly go to your hips make you think otherwise.

“Do it, then.” He provokes you, trying to regain his usual confidence, though it still comes out less forceful than intended.

You bring your hand to his crotch and palm him over his pants, and Doyoung takes a deep breath. You bring your lips to his, kissing him deeply and adding to the pleasant feeling. He kisses you back eagerly, flexing his hands on your hips and gripping you more tightly. You end up making out like that for a little while, and he grows underneath your palm as you tease him.

Eventually, you want more than simply feeling him over his sweatpants and pull them down, exposing his bulge. You don’t touch him for real, not just yet; instead, you trace your finger along the shape of his dick underneath the material of his boxers. Doyoung whimpers against your lips at that touch, very quietly, but audible enough for you to hear it over the TV in the background.

“Don’t get all sensitive on me now.” You pull away from his mouth and laugh. “What happened to all that teasing you love to torture me with?” You drag his underwear down so you can release his member, which is still growing underneath your caresses. Precum is already beading at the tip, flushed with need. Doyoung looks down at your hand holding his dick and worries his lip as you begin stroking him earnestly now.

He leans his head back against the wall, and you watch his throat work as he swallows and tries to keep his sounds quiet. The soundproofing in these dorms certainly isn’t the best; the people on the other side of the wall have kept him awake enough nights to know that. The few moans he does let go are low and pretty and soft, and they fit him perfectly.

Though you are stroking him mostly for his own pleasure, you do take the time to explore his dick while you have it in your hand—running your finger over a vein that stands out against the hot skin, sliding his precum between your fingers and using it to get the rest of his shaft slick. You take your time with him, but he doesn’t seem to mind the leisurely pace.

“Do you wanna come in my hand?” you ask him, and his body tenses as you reach further down to tease his balls. Another bead of precum runs down his shaft.

“That would be a waste,” Doyoung huffs, and he shifts his leg a little so his thigh is tucked between your legs now, your heat pressing right down on him. He moves his thigh back and forth slowly across you, and you let out a long, shaky breath at the way the muscles of his leg flex and release against your clit.

“Then where do you wanna do it?” You still your movements on him for a few seconds but keep your thumb on his tip so you can tease the sensitive slit there, and another choked groan comes from him.

“T-take a guess,” he says, and pulls on your hips again so he can drag your pussy over his thigh more firmly. The friction makes you whine.

“Maybe I should just make you cum like this, since you seem more interested in making me ride your leg.” You go back to steadily stroking his cock, tightening your grip on him. His mouth drops open a little at your actions.

“Y/N,” he whispers breathlessly, and lifts one hand to pull at your sweater. “Take this off.”

“Then take yours off.” Doyoung strips his sweater off as soon as you say it and waits for you to do the same. His mouth goes to your breasts once they’re free. You grin at the pleasurable sensation and run your hand through his hair, pushing him closer to your chest. Your other hand goes back to his dick, and it twitches when you make contact. “I really think you could cum just like this, with you sucking my tits and me jerking you off. Wouldn’t you like that, Doie?”

Doyoung’s face flushes at that claim, though he doesn’t deny it. He simply keeps sucking at your nipples and leaving marks across your chest, flexing his thigh against you for added stimulation.

You want him to come first, so you spit in your hand for more lube and stroke him faster, the slick sound of your hand on his cock filling your ears. His moans are more frequent now, though he still tries to hide them; all the while, you try to pull more out of him. If the people next door know what’s going on, they’ll just have to enjoy the free entertainment.

“Y/N,” he pants against your skin, and his body tenses up more underneath you. You pull his head away from your chest so you can tuck your face into his neck, placing your lips over his beating pulse and feeling the way his muscles jump under the slight touch of your mouth.

“You don’t wanna come in my hand, right? Where do you want it, then?” You keep your lips close to his ear and slow your pace to make sure he doesn’t come too soon.

“I…um—”

“Don’t be shy now, you’re about to come, aren’t you?” You twist your hand over his tip and he groans low in his throat; the sound vibrates across your lips.

“I...in your mouth.”

You sit back to look at him, grinning devilishly. “So that’s what you like? Fine then, baby boy.” You remove yourself from his thigh, which is noticeably damp now, and position yourself between his legs with the tip of his cock pointed towards your mouth. You lean forward a bit to take the head between your lips, rubbing your tongue against the sensitive underside of it, and Doyoung comes quick with a soft cry. His cum floods over your tongue in thick, salty waves, and you keep sucking the tip until he has no more to give.

You get back onto the bed after you’ve swallowed everything, and before you know what’s happening, Doyoung has turned you on your stomach and is pulling your panties and sweatpants down in one fell swoop. “Doyoung—” Your sentence breaks when he lifts your hips up and his tongue parts your lower lips, sliding through the slickness and pushing into your hole. Your words melt into a moan as you arch your hips more to get closer to his face.

“Doyoung, y-yes, please—” You curl your fingers in the fabric of his comforter, panting harshly against the material as Doyoung dips his fingers and tongue into you like he’s starving. His tongue on your clit is maddening, circling back and forth and making your legs shake as you try to balance yourself in this position he’s tugged you into.

His fingers find what they’re looking for quickly and he teases your g-spot, thrusting into it only sometimes and leaving you wanting all the other times. In the very back of your mind, you wonder if what he said about being too studious for relationships is true, because how else would he have learned to do all this? God.

When you get close to coming, Doyoung takes some mercy on you and crooks his fingers into that soft spot more consistently now, and you cry out as you tighten around his fingers. It’s beautifully, wonderfully satisfying. The soft sounds he releases while he eats you out make you even weaker, as if he can’t hide just how turned on he is from tasting you.

Your climax hits you suddenly, and by the end of it you are laughing softly with the intoxication of how good you feel, how good he’s made you feel. When he finally pulls back from you, you let your body fully collapse against the small mattress, and Doyoung rests his head against your thigh momentarily, as if he himself is exhausted.

“I...wanted to do that for a while,” he says, and you can’t see his face but you think he must be blushing, with how sheepishly he admitted it.

It takes a bit of shuffling but you eventually end up lying side by side, stripped bare and looking up at the ceiling. The movie has long gone off, and there’s nothing but Netflix’s slideshow of new shows and movies playing on the screen now.

After a few more moments of nothing but the sound of heavy breaths, you say, “We are having round two, like right now.” 

“You’re already addicted to me, huh?” Doyoung chuckles, dragging his knuckles over your side and making your skin tingle. You smirk and throw your leg over him, and he groans at how your pussy slides over his hardening length.

“By the end of the night, you won’t be able to get enough of me.”

[florcnces]

HEY HENS ! my name’s nat & today i present to you the one, the only ... ms florence ! under the cut you’ll find a few bits & pieces i’ve come up w/ so far just so ... u kno ... we can plot or whateva 😏😏😏so if u want me to shower you w/ love, feel free to drop a big, fat LIKE or im me 😏😏😏also ... if u read this thru u will notice that ... i gave up somewhere in the middle of it ...

new york’s very own 𝐅𝐋𝐎𝐑����𝐍𝐂𝐄  𝐁𝐑𝐀𝐒𝐒𝐀𝐑𝐃 was spotted on broadway street in 𝐁𝐀𝐋𝐄𝐍𝐂𝐈𝐀𝐆𝐀'𝐒  𝐁𝐁𝐒 . your resemblance to 𝐒𝐘𝐃𝐍𝐄𝐘  𝐒𝐖𝐄𝐄𝐍𝐄𝐘 is unreal . according to tmz , you just had your 𝐓𝐖𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐘 - 𝐒𝐄𝐂𝐎𝐍𝐃 birthday bash . while living in nyc , you’ve been labeled as being 𝐕𝐄𝐍𝐆𝐄𝐅𝐔𝐋 , but also 𝐍𝐔𝐑𝐓𝐔𝐑𝐈𝐍𝐆 . i guess being a 𝐆𝐄𝐌𝐈𝐍𝐈 explains that . 3 things that would paint a better picture of you would be 𝐏𝐄𝐀𝐑𝐋  𝐍𝐄𝐂𝐊𝐋𝐀𝐂𝐄𝐒 ,  𝐅𝐄𝐌𝐌𝐄 - 𝐅𝐀𝐓𝐀𝐋𝐄  𝐌𝐎𝐕𝐈𝐄𝐒  &  𝐇𝐀𝐋𝐅 - 𝐔𝐒𝐄𝐃  𝐁𝐎𝐓𝐓𝐋𝐄𝐒  𝐎𝐅 𝐏𝐄𝐑𝐅𝐔𝐌𝐄 . ( i seduced the director to get my first big movie role. )  &  ( cis-gendered female & she / her  ) 

𝐢. 𝐠𝐞𝐧𝐞𝐫𝐚𝐥 𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐭𝐬 

name : florence noel brassard

dob / age : may 22nd, 1996 / twenty - two

hometown : paris , france

occupation : actress

aesthetics : pearl necklaces , femme-fatale movies , half-used bottles of perfume , lavender bouquets & satin sheets

positive traits : nurturing , logical , self-motivated , thoughtful 

negative traits : vengeful , scornful , two-faced , devious 

likes :  morning runs , feeling accomplished , freckles , seltzer water , blueberry yogurt , random picnics

dislikes : not getting attention , impulsive decisions , being late , not taking care of herself , mess all over the place , loud voices

𝐢𝐢. 𝐛𝐢𝐨𝐠𝐫𝐚𝐩𝐡𝐲 

baby florence was born & raised in new york city and was immediately thrown into the world of luxury - there literally was no other outcome when your parents appeared to be, like, one of the most powerful couple in the fashion industry, owning a huge chunk of loewe, lv, berluti and etc (so basically think like antoine arnault & natalia vodianova as her parents ... thnx xxxx)

with everything being handed to the girl on a silver platter, flo’s childhood was as boring as it could be. ‘ want to attend ballet classes? we’ll arrange private ones for you with the nycb principals.’ / ‘ can’t find a dress for the event we’re throwing? here’s five custom gowns to choose from, honey. ’ / ‘ there’s a scratch on your shoes; here’s a credit card, go buy yourself three new pairs. ’ / so, basically, tl;dr, they spoiled her ROTTEN

not gonna like, flo had a phase of being a bratty, greedy & ungrateful bih at the age of 13-15 because of the people she surrounded herself with & in order to fit in, she had to have like the best of the best. tho it wasn’t like she hadn’t had any of those things already - she just started taking advantage of her parents’ generosity. it took cutting her allowance down to the minimum for a few months and a few serious conversations to get a confession out of florence and to get her to understand that people should consider your their friends for your personality and not your bank account. so basICALLY she loves her parents v v v much & treasures the relationship they built over the years.

by the time she finished high school, she was v much set on the idea of creating a name for herself. starting a business wasn’t an option bc of how influential her parents were; sports weren’t an option either bc she didn’t have any exceptional talents (fun fact: she tried out for the cheerleading team for 3 yrs in a row only to not make the cut every single time which led to her crying at lunch ... ): #poorbby). being an influencer didn’t sound right to her either, so she went with the option that probably fit her the most - the julliard ! 

it was quite hard getting in there, mostly due to the fact that people there didn’t exactly understand why florence wanted to get into acting. it wasn’t like she needed any additional buzz to her name or more a-list events to be in attendance of, so she did have to prove that she was noth talented & sincerely interested in pursuing the career. however, it wasn’t the hardest thing she had to do to actually become the person she is today.

studying at the julliard wasn’t enough bc it didn’t make it any easier for flo to get a role. she tried her absolute damndest, used every connection she had -- yet, nothing was working. & since going to her papa for her was in no way, shape or form an option, she resorted to the worst.

bc she knew her mother was always in charge of organizing charity galas and whatnot, florence made sure to check out a list of invitees and, much to her sheer luck, she found a few familiar names of actresses and directors who rsvp’d to the event already. the night of the gala was spent with florence circling the room, looking and acting as gorgeous and charming as ever, but nothing seemed to be working bc everyone were either uninterested or just wanted her to get their name to her parents (& that wasn’t an option). however, at the end of the night she found the one. the one who lit up her star.

she didn’t go into it without thinking all of her options. she spent weeks flitring w/ the guy, going on dates and accepting gifts - everything to make it seem as if she was truly interested in him as a person. she laughed at his jokes, enjoyed his embraces - at some point, she even felt as if she could actually end up loving him. however, the moment he offered her the role of her life (plS one day i’ll actually properly headcanon that ish ... but not rn i proMISE!), whatever feelings (or whatever resembled them ...) immediately vanished.

so ! currently bby florence is basking in the newfound limelight and making sure to move further in her career... without having to resort to seducing middle-aged dudes... :-)

𝐢𝐢𝐢. 𝐨𝐛𝐬𝐞𝐫𝐯𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬 

florence, like i said, isn’t exactly a multi-talented skinny legend. yea, she’s decent at skating, somewhat good at singing, is quite beautiful - nothing out of the ordinary, hence why she sometimes struggles with her confidence. and by sometimes i mean A LOT of times. but if u think she’d ever show it U R SO WRONG BABE. usually whenever she falls into her self-called pit of uncertainty and lack of confidence, florence resorts to dressing up as nicely as she can and going to the first bar that comes to her head to get a drink and attract as much attention as she can. 

she also finds comfort in cooking. sure, with her daddy’s money she could eat out for breakfast, lunch, dinner and everything in between,  but there’s something incredibly comforting in taking the time to cook something for herself. besides, she is very fond of the memories of her mother teaching her how to cook. and the times they’ve accidentally burned the food bc they were too busy talking abt random things :’) like bby can actually make a MEAN kedgeree !!!

since her father is french and her mother is american, florence is bilingual. she prefers speaking french over english purely bc of the beauty of the language, so sometimes she might just switch languages mid-sentence.

florence is also ambidextrous due to the fact that she broke her arm when she was 7 and had to wear a cast for a longer period of time since the bones couldn’t heal properly :-)

also ... v much a dog person. like, cats? EW, don’t talk to her. don’t even think of calling her KITTEN bc u will ... get ur ass handed to u

always and i mean ALWAYS !!!! wears a pearl necklace on her neck that her father gave her for her 18th birthday. and just hella obsessed w/ pearls and flowers. iDK why she just is ...

𝐢𝐯. 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐧𝐞𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬

obv !!! a best friend ? like, that typical ride-or-die situation where they wouldn’t hesitate to catch the bullet for the other person

maybe a friend / some friends from high school ? either they were the ones pressuring flo to take advantage of finer things and daddy’s money or ... flo could have left them for those ppl

a rival ... who had their eyes on the role florence landed ... and now there’s just a ton of anger and distaste towards each other

exes / one night stands / flirtations ... :-)

[thesnapewecandreamof]

I’m so glad you liked Matthew’s character Anon! Let’s get the continuation first and then I’ll ramble on so people not interested could skip that part! Song is Everything Stay from Adventure Time.(Part of the reason this took so long was bc I was searching for an appropriate song and I always get lost in youtube!)

Everything Stays

- Despite regaining consciousness, Severus was not out of the woods yet. It took weeks, many potions, and an infinite supply of patience for all parties involved. 

- The healers informed Matthew that there was nothing they could do for the nervous damage Severus suffered and Matthew insisted he be the one to tell Severus the bad news. 

- He was a healer himself and he has been tasked with telling the bad news to many families before but despite that he tried to stave off the inevitable. But he knew the pain would be greater the more he stalled so one night, after the Hogwarts staff have left and Severus just finished his meal, Matthew sat on the edge of the bed and took the potion master’s hand in his. His heart panged  at the title.

- Severus looked at their interlocked hands and sighed, “It will never go away would it?” Matthew has once again underestimated Severus, his eyes met black and he bit his lip to hold in the tears. “You have been looking a bit anxious the past few days and since the healers are certain I wouldn’t be keeling over any time soon-” Severus shrugged, not finishing his sentence.

- “I’m sorry.” Matthew tightened his grip as Severus’ arm twitched. He refused to let his emotions get the better of him and the healer in him took the wheel. “I’ve contacted some colleagues, they might find something to help with the spasms and the twitches but-” Matthew stopped, electing to shrug himself. 

- He felt the pressure of Severus squeezing his hand and he smiled as tears fell.

Let’s go in the garden, you’ll find something waiting. 

Right there where you left it, lying upside-down.

- It was difficult. Severus eventually grew weary of maintaining the mask and Matthew found it frustrating how he cannot heal the person he cared for most.

- “You should have left me to die.” Severus said once when the fits got too much, when his whole body seized. Matthew sees it in his eyes whenever he knocks over a glass of water. All of their utensils are now plastic and Severus scowls at it whenever he could. “You know I couldn’t do that.” Matthew replies, ever patient.

- “I have no use. I was a potions master, Matthew, now I can’t even hold my own spoon for Merlin’s sake!”

- Matthew himself couldn’t always be the patient saint. He was a healer and he had a duty to his patients. When he comes home, exhausted and wanting nothing but to sleep, he sometimes let’s out the infamous temper of his and he and Severus would get into a row. 

When you finally find it, you’ll see that it’s faded

the under-side is lighter when you turn it around.

- They now have someone to always watch Severus when he was away. During a week-end when it was only Severus and Matthew, the healer had to put a vial of muscle relaxing potion in the bedside table so that he could answer an emergency floo call. When he returned it was as if a fog rolled in their bedroom despite it remaining the same. There was something different but he couldn’t quite place it. He asked Severus if everything was alright and he said that nothign was out of place so Matthew chalked it up to nerves and stress.

- That night he heard shuffling and soft muttered curses. He woke up to Severus trying his best to remain silent as he packed away clothes. “Are you planning a surprise trip? Our anniversary isn’t for another three months.” He yawned though he was alert and awake.

- Severus sighed and sat down, facing away from him. “I don’t belong here, - no, don’t say anything- I don’t Matthew, I-” Severus took a deep breath, “I’m tired.” And Matthew listened to Severus as months of pain and frustration is finally let out. How he feels worthless, feels like he’s holding Matthew back, making himself a burden to the healer. Matthew’s heart broke as he saw Severus trying to keep himself together, his muscles twitching, making him even more frustrated. The grace his love once had is gone and Matthew feared something more was missing.He lowered himself to the floor and leaned his forehead on the back of Severus’ shoulder. 

- He whispered every argument he has, planned responses to what he knew as coming and added new things he thought of as he spoke. Severus remained silent through his talk and he allowed Matthew to help him back to the bed. 

- The next day Matthew and Severus spent a day in the garden and though it was difficult, Severus was set on ushering life to Matthew’s lifeless plot of land. Any distraction was welcome and should this fail, surely there were others he could turn his attention to? He already received a dictaquill from a former student, but he could only talk for so long before growing bored himself. 

Everything stays, right where you left it

Everything stays, but it still changes

-It wasn’t an overnight fix. They still had fights, normal rows that couples have. They still work through Severus’ depression and Matthew always makes sure that any glass in the house was charmed unbreakable.

- When the first row of flowers bloomed, Matthew nearly teared up at the sight of Severus’ smile.

- When Severus grew more confident and grew some magical plants, Matthew was stunned at how Severus could say such a self-deprecating joke and have the gall to wink at him. 

Ever so slightly,

 daily and nightly

- When Matthew found himself with Severus, lying under the shade of a tree and the smell of flowers surrounding them, he looked back on all the things they’ve been through. 

- All the pain of thinking it was the last time he and Severus would see each other, the worry every time he had to treat his lover, the anger at how Severus could leave him every time in order to play the perfect spy. Matthew still had nightmares about finding Severus on the verge of death, nightmares only Severus himself could comfort him from. 

- He could feel his eyes water when he thought of how things could have ended so horribly. He felt Severus’ hand jerk in his before the comforting pressure he grew to love. He looked to the side and saw Severus with his lip upturned and he grinned.

In little ways,

when everything stays.

I didn’t want to make it too angsty! Anyway, so glad you enjoyed Matthew’s character anon, I wasn’t too sure people would like him. I don’t create too many ocs and I prefer to use canon characters only in my fics because A. it takes me so long to find a good name, B. I already live in fear of making canon characters a mary sue, I think ocs are a higher risk in that department but that could be just me.

I’ll write more of Matthew and Severus when inspiration strikes or if someone has a prompt for them. 

I’m working on yet another wip in which Severus suffers from long-term cruciatus so I didn’t want to elaborate too much on stuff here lest I become even more repetitive. 

[parkjmini]

fam(ily) - five | pkjm

parent!au: park jimin A single father of twins show you the true meaning of family and what it takes to love like a parent, even if they aren’t your own. word count: 5,972 genre: fluff//angst warnings: explicit language

one | two | three | four | five | the end

[A/N]: Sorry it took so long to updated. I started school recently and im taking several AP classes so its hard for me to write often. im so thankful for everyone reading this series, and how much attention it has gotten every since the first chapter, i hope everyone still sticks around for the end (: i also apologize for any typos bc i haven’t proofread 

Jimin was texting you nonstop, asking if you’ve spotted them. The baby blue was switched out with a dark, navy. Tiny specks dotted the night drop. Minseo was yelling her sister’s name with all her breath. Your throat was raw from screaming for them.

A strange feeling overcame you. A rush of fear and anxiety mixed together and washed over your entire system. Tears were welling, blurring your vision. There were just too much bushes, too many plants. Nothing resembled two small children. 

Losing them felt like something was robbed from you. You had no where to look and everywhere you did look, there was nothing, only dark blue skies and rows of leaves. Minseo heard your whimpers and wrapped her arms around your neck. 

“Ms.(Y/N), I’m sorry for making you cry.” Her tiny voice filled your left ear. You patted her back and shook her head. Children were so pure. They weren’t exposed to anything that would deem harmful to them. They weren’t ruined by the scary world.

“Monkey, are you cold?” You managed to sniff, your throat aching.

“No, because you keep me warm.” She smiled. Even in the worst types of situations, she was able to make you smile. 

they’re not in the trees, or the center, or the field. (Y/N), how could this have happened?

we can’t start blaming ourselves right now, Jimin. Come to the garden, i need you.

Your jumbled mind refused to let you think straight. The feeling was so foreign, nothing like you’ve ever felt. It surpassed the anxiousness of losing your keys or your phone. You lost something that meant practically everything to you. 

You loved the twins with all your heart. They weren’t hard to love. Minseo and Minjoo were the two kindest souls you’ve ever met. They had beautiful smiles that had your knees weak. They rarely fought and they treated you with such respect and pampered you with wholesome love.

Besides Jimin, they were your happiness. They needed to be protected and you wanted to be the one to do that for them. They deserved to be happy and you promised yourself that you’d never let their smiles fade. It was a small oath you made to yourself over the course of the months. You were there for them when they needed you.

Traveling deeper into the garden, you heard wailing. Minseo’s head popped up and she pointed to where it was coming from. You ran, with every ounce of energy you had left. Screaming for them, you heard the sobs get louder.

Using your free arm, you pushed back bushes and removed pots of flowers. Minjoo and Jihoon were cuddled up next to one another with streams of waterfalls falling from their shut eyes. 

“Oh Monkey..” You cooed and set Minseo down. She hurried to pick up her sister, who was covered in dirt. You helped Jihoon up from the ground and dusted him off.

There was a part of you that wanted to scold them for running off on their own, but their crying states reassured you that they had learned their lesson. You were just relived and overjoyed that you found them again. They were safe.

You brought them close to your chest and let them destroy your pastel dress. Hearing them cry made your heart hurt. Small tears stained your face and you rubbed their shaking backs.

Minseo lead the way and held onto Jihoon’s hand. He had stopped sobbing after they were found again. However, Minjoo would not stop bawling her eyes out. She felt horrible, knowing that she caused such trouble. She was also grateful that you were her hero and saved her from the scary garden. 

Jimin was sprinting from the path and immediately hugged you, with Minjoo still in your arms. He kissed the top of her head repeatedly, brushing the dirt that was caught in her strands. You handed her over to the distressed father and he closed his eyes to embraced her. 

“Daddy!” Minjoo cried louder.

He was squeezing her tightly, making sure she was actually existent. “I love you so much, JooJoo. Don’t ever scare me like that again.” He whispered into her ear and she clung onto his shirt.

“I’m sorry. Jihoon and I were playing hide and seek and we didn’t know how big the garden was. We got lost. I was afraid that you’d never be able to find me again.” She mumbled, hiccuping between every sentence.

“It’s okay, my pumpkin. All that matters now is that you’re safe.” His eyes opened to see your worry expression dissipate. You shied away from his gaze and wiped the last tears that fell.

“Daddy, you’re so strong. You were the only one who didn’t cry.” Minseo noted and Jimin remained staring at you.

He took your hand and ran his thumbs against your knuckles. “Ms.(Y/N) cried too?” Minjoo turned around in his arms to look at you.

“A little bit. We were worried about you two, JooJoo!” Minseo jumped, her small body talking for her. 

“I’m sorry, Ms.(Y/N), for making you cry.” The two children apologized and an ashamed frown appeared on their faces.

“It’s okay.” There was nothing more you could say. You were calm now and it didn’t make sense as why you reacted the way you did.

“She must’ve been more worried and spooked than I was.” Jimin commented. “Thank you and I’m sorry about your dress… and this entire date.” 

You dusted off any excess dirt, “don’t even sweat it, Jimin. I’m only thrilled that they’re safe now. Nothing can top that feeling of relief.” 

“Spoken like a true parent.” He smiled and you laughed it off. You weren’t entirely sure what he meant by that. “Let’s go home. It’s been a long day.” He sighed and Minseo grabbed your hand. She hurried you over to the vehicle, not wanting you to stay out any longer in the chilly night.

“Since when were you two dating?” Jungkook interrogated Jimin in the lounge room. He was brewing another batch of coffee and Jimin was enjoying his lunch on the couch.

Jimin rose a brow, “we aren’t dating, at least not officially.” 

“Are you still in high school? Does it really matter if things are official, she’s someone you’re seeing.” Jungkook mixed his creamer with the dark, black liquid. 

Jimin wondered what to exactly call you. You two see each other on multiple occasions and went out with one another. Nonetheless, he’s never explicitly asked you to be his. You both knew you had feelings for one another, and wanted to keep seeing each other. Fear was honestly the only hesitation Jimin was facing.

He was afraid of becoming too serious and if you weren’t comfortable with that. You were still young and he shouldn’t restrict you to a family. He remembered how his life changed drastically when the twins were born. He was no longer a free-spirited kid who partied every night. He had to look for a stable job to pay for the girls’ diapers and finish school as fast as possible. 

Jimin was up juggling studying for his midterms and making sure the twins were fed. He knew the stress and burden it could cause. You were in school and living out your early twenties. He didn’t want to rob that from you. He knew you would think it would be fine, but he experienced it. Even though he wouldn’t give up the twins for anything in the world, he still missed the small things. He didn’t want you to miss those things.

“Yeah, but it’s complicated.” Jimin made room for Jungkook to join him.

“Is it only complicated because of the twins? How do they like her?”

His face gleamed at the chance to talk about you and his girls. That was one of his favorite topics. “They love her. Sometimes more than me. She takes really good care of them. She means a lot to them, I can tell. It’s like they’re attached.“ 

“Okay, so what’s the complication?” Jungkook didn’t understand why Jimin was being so hesitant. It wasn’t a secret that Jimin was head over heels for you, any fool could tell.

“She’s young. I don’t want to take those years away from her. She should be traveling, hooking up with guys from college, going to raves. I don’t know — living her life! Not being stuck in a serious relationship with a dad of twins.” He sighed and Jungkook saw the sadness reeking from Jimin’s clothes.

“Not everyone was like us in college. It’s not like she was doing any of that prior to meeting you, all she does is work. Also, you never asked if she’s okay with it.” Jimin ran his hand through his hair and loosened his tie.

“I know she’ll say she’s fine with it because that’s the kind of person she is. The sweetest soul I know. Did I tell you we lost JooJoo a couple of weeks ago when we took them out with us?”

“Jimin, you lost your kid?!” Taehyung walked through and planted himself on the opposite cushion.

“She was playing hide and seek with her friend and disappeared into that garden by that one park.” He explained, watching Taehyung steal some of his food. 

“She was more worried than I was, crying her eyes out over my missing daughter. She looked beautiful that day too, she had this dress on and the kids ruined it with dirt from the garden. You know what she said?”

“That it was fine, as long as they were safe?” Jungkook responded.

Jimin nodded, “exactly. So how can I tell her what I want knowing that she’d put me before herself?”

“That sounds complicated.” Taehyung inputted.

“See. It’s complicated. I just enjoy her company and I don’t want to rush to label us as official. That makes things serious and as much as I want that, I wouldn’t do that to her.” Jimin snatched his lunch from Taehyung’s hungry grip.

“I’m only saying you might as well be. You more than enjoy her company. You’re madly in love with her.” Jungkook teased.

“I’ll admit I like her, a lot. Love is pushing it. She means so much to me and I feel like it’s because she entered my life so unexpectedly.”

“I know. I remember when you told us that she’s actually the teacher assistant to the twins’ teacher, I was so confused, mainly because I knew her from the club. It’s almost like fate.” Taehyung got up to search the cabinets for office snacks. 

Jungkook said, “how long have you’ve known her? It feels like forever.”

“We met five months ago. I’ve been seeing her for the past three months. It’s been a while. It was a long time of daily morning drop off talks, where we’d get so shy trying to keep up a conversation. I thought about her so much to the point where I started seeing her in my dreams too.” Jimin could go on and on about you. He didn’t get embarrassed because he wasn’t ashamed of what he felt. He was a grown man who finally fell for someone after trapping his feelings for several long years.

“I haven’t seen you like this since the twins were born.” Taehyung munched on chips and leaned over the lounge counter. Jungkook nodded, agreeing with him. 

“I haven’t felt like this since the twins were born. The last girl I genuinely liked was six years ago.“ 

“She’s the one, isn’t she?” Jungkook asked and Taehyung stared at Jimin for his answers.

Jimin pondered, wondering if you were his one. He thought about you and how you never failed to make him happy. You had an ability to keep him calm. He never told you, but he didn’t freak out as much as he thought he would when he lost Minjoo. It was because of you. Just being there kept him sane. 

It must’ve been a while before Jimin finally answered, “she’s the one.”

“There is actually a big reason as to why we called you all out here for dinner tonight.” Jen announced to everyone sitting at the big dinner table. You had accompanied Jimin to Jen’s dinner. Apparently, she had begged Jimin to bring you along and you couldn’t say no to him.

You sat next to him and twins were at his other side. They tossed around their seat and played with the restaurant’s fancy table cloth. You thought it was going to be a simple dinner, but when you arrived, you saw about ten other people.

Jimin said it was a lot of Jen’s and her boyfriend’s close friends. Everyone seemed to know Minseo and Minjoo. They were both very well mannered and greeted everyone that approached them. Jimin knew a majority of their friends, while you confusingly clung to his side.

He introduced you by your name, never specifying what you were to him. Everyone kept asking if you were his girlfriend, and Jimin only shrugged. It wasn’t a direct answer.

“We’re getting married.” Jen and her boyfriend said in unison. They showed their identical rings and the white smiles glittered under the dim restaurant lights. 

“No way! Congratulations you two!” Everyone cheered and started raising their champagne glasses: a toast for the couple’s engagement. 

“I knew something was fishy.” Jimin commented and the girls excitedly ran up to hug her. “Congratulations Jen.” 

“Actually Jimin, can I speak to you for a moment?” Jen’s eyes darted suspiciously around the table. Jimin nodded and followed her outside.

Once Jimin was gone, everyone started to interrogate you. 

“How long have you two been together?” 

“Have do you feel about him having kids?”

“What do you do for a living?”

“How old are you?”

“Are you his girlfriend?”

You weren’t sure how to answer any of them. Jimin had never discussed anything about labels. You two went on dates and liked each other a lot, however he never made things official. You weren’t waiting for him to ask, you would do it in a heartbeat to make things clear. You weren’t sure if he wanted that. 

Jimin had become an adult at a young age. He was very mature and had a family to take care of. You didn’t know if you were more than just pass time to him. He meant the world to you and your first priority was to never hurt him. He treated you well, but there was still that stigma of meeting men from the club.

Of course, you didn’t expect to see him after that night. Nonetheless, you didn’t know if he wanted you. You were okay with being a simple friend or someone to keep him company, it was anything to keep him happy. He deserved to be happy.

Just when you were about to clarify that you were friends, Minseo beat you to it. "She’s our Daddy’s favorite person in the world.”

“Oh really?” People were chatting among themselves.

“No Monkey. You and your sister are his most favorite in the world. Not me.” Your palms turned warm and slick with sweat. You weren’t necessarily trying to deny your feelings for him, you merely grew shy.

“Daddy likes you a lot, even more than me and sissy.” Minjoo commented, adding more fuel to everyone’s gossip. Even if you weren’t sure if it was true, it still made your heart run and leap all over. It was still hard to believe Jimin liked you, in any way.

You two weren’t the same age and worked two completely separate jobs. He lived a different life from yours. You felt a little under experienced for him, like you should be putting in more effort than you were now. You weren’t good at relationships, and often blamed yourself for many of their endings.

You shook your head at the girls’ silly comments and sipped the expensive bubbly liquid. "You’re shy, it’s normal. You don’t have to answer any of our ridiculous questions. We were just surprised to finally see Jimin with someone. It was always him and the twins.”

You’ve thought about Jimin’s past relationships and grew curious as to the different women in his life. He didn’t speak of it. Ever. Maybe it was because his late wife meant that much to him. He was a loyal man, and it was probably extremely hard for him to cope with meeting someone new.

“Yeah, after Stacey died and the twins entered his life, I’ve never seen him with a girlfriend.” Another person added.

“Bless his heart, honestly, for taking care of them and Jen because he really didn’t have to.”

“I mean Stacey was one of his best friends, he felt responsible.” Everyone was talking among themselves now about Jimin. You sat there, silently, and absorbing all the newfound information about him. It was strange. Jimin didn’t go into depth about his life or his past. He seemed closed off or lived in the now. 

There was always an elephant in the room — the twins. The curiosity about their whereabouts or their past intrigued you. Jimin never mentioned his wife, assuming her name was Stacey, or how things ended up the way it did. You didn’t want to be rude and ask him a bunch of uncomfortable questions, but the questions remained. How did things end up like it did?

“He hasn’t been with someone for what? Six years? You’re the first in a while.” Someone nodded towards you.

“Jimin use to be wild. He’d have girls left and right at him. He was that older upperclassmen that everyone wanted to be friends with or sleep with. Jimin was so different than how he is now. He’s always been sweet and kindhearted, but he’s matured a lot. I remember when the entire campus knew he had twins, everyone freaked out. He stopped all that crazy drinking and partying. He didn’t hook up with random girls anymore. He studied and got out of college to get a job immediately.” That was shocking to you.

Jimin was no doubt attractive and well-built, but you didn’t expect him to be the type of college boy you’d see at the club on a Friday night. The piercing images of fraternities or kids getting turned up at your work scarred you. They were all annoying and ignorant, so you couldn’t imagine Jimin like that. He was put together when you met him, he merely looked like someone who had a bad day at work. The idea of him constantly hooking up with girls made you slightly insecure.

You were in college, but you didn’t participate in that type of lifestyle. College was about having fun for the last four years before you become an adult. You were envious from time to time seeing everyone your age having a great time while you mixed their drinks. You weren’t outstandingly pretty or made yourself seem that way. Yours and Jimin’s life seem to be even more different than before.

Then the real question stood: does he even want to be in a relationship with you?

Jimin came back after a while, his face long and weary. Jen looked off putting as well. Whatever it was it was bad news. Jimin tried to be uplifting, but you could tell it was hard.

He felt your concerning eyes watching him and he held your thigh underneath the table. He whispered, "I’ll tell you later.”

You nodded, feeling guilty that you begged him with your stare. “You don’t have to.”

He turned to smile at you, weakly. “I want to. It somewhat involves you.” A million possibilities filled your mind. You? How were you involved?

Jimin must’ve seen your worried expression, because he gave you a little squeeze to bring you back down from your whirling head. “It’s going to be fine.” He kissed your cheek. Someone down the table made a whistle noise and cheered him on. Everyone was doing the same.

“We should toast to Jimin’s new girlfriend too. After an entire six years, he’s found someone.” People began raising their glasses and cheering. You weren’t sure how to react, so you let Jimin orchestrate the situation.

“Everyone, you don’t have to. Stop making this all weird for her. She’s going to leave me by the end of tonight.” His dazzling smile shined as someone handed him a glass.

“Come on, Jimin. It’s a huge thing. It’s a small toast to recognize your relationship.”

“We’re not in a relationship.” You were so overwhelmed, you blurted out the first thing you could think of. Everyone’s faces started to settle and people were distraught. Jimin’s hand retreated from your thigh and he set down the glass. The atmosphere was suffocating and intense. You weren’t sure how anything you could’ve said would make it better.

“I mean– we’re seeing each other. But we’re not official. I’m not his girlfriend.” You continued and you wanted to stop yourself. Maybe it was the alcohol talking. People talked to one another, chatter increasing. It was extremely embarrassing for both you and Jimin. An instant regret washed over you when you saw Jimin shift in his seat, uncomfortably.

“Well, sorry that we assumed anything.“ Someone tried to laugh it off, but the air was still stiff and people were still uneasy. 

In the car, Jimin didn’t speak much. The twins fell asleep during the ride, so it was filled with tense silence.

"Jimin, I’m sorry about what I said. I shouldn’t have said anything at all. I— was lost— overwhelmed with everything. They were asking me questions that I couldn’t answer.” His grip relaxed on the steering wheel and he peeked over at you.

“Don’t apologize. You’re right. You’re not my girlfriend. Sorry if I made it seem like you were — to them, I mean. We never talked about what this was, but it made sense as to what you said.” Jimin spoke in a softer manner. His tone was smooth and it was almost like a lullaby.

“I feel bad about it because I like you, I really do and I know you like me too. I don’t know what to call us.” You sighed, frustrated for being such an idiot. Jimin grabbed your hand and held it on top of the middle console.

“You don’t need to worry about that all. I like you, that’s all that matters.” It was as if his words and his touch removed all the horrible feelings you felt a second ago. A magic touch, something only Jimin acquired.

Jimin needed you more than ever. This was finally your opportunity to be there for him. He told you what had happened a week after the dinner. Jen had pulled him over to tell him that she was moving. 

Jen was moving to London because her fiance had a new job offering, a glorious offer that he couldn’t past up. They planned that after the wedding, they were going to live together in the new country. That meant leaving the twins and Jimin. 

She had been helping Jimin the twins’ entire lives. She was his extra pair of hands when he was too busy to pick them up from school or if he needed someone to babysit. Jen was there for him and the girls. She told him that she could no longer tend to them like how she use to. That put Jimin in a difficult spot. 

Minjoo and Minseo were both still young and barely started elementary school. He wasn’t sure how he could possibly take care of them alone. That was when Jen offered you. You entered their lives now, practically a part of their happy family. Jimin could lean on you if he needed anything. 

He said that it was bizarre and completely unfair to you. You weren’t obligated to the family and had other responsibilities in your life. You had a job that required to work difficult hours at night right after a day job. He could only see you during the weekends.

It was a lot to ask of you because the job at the club restricted you from living your life. Before Jimin and the girls, you didn’t have much to live for. You went to school and school meant money, so you worked. You didn’t care if you didn’t have time for friends or family. Your education and forming your future was your top priority to the point where you’d stoop so low for it.

Things have changed though. Maybe the family was a blessing in disguise. Maybe it was time to change. You had something to live for now. You had something that wasn’t in your own control. It was always you that you needed to worry about. You had to only take care of yourself. 

You were willing to be there for them. Jimin underestimated how much they meant to you. If they needed you, then you’ll be there for them. Your only problems were probably finding a new job that fits a lighter schedule and having to face Wes.

Wes had no clue about you and Jimin, not that he’d care much. However, he was possessive and you weren’t sure how he’d react to you quitting. He’d still try to hook up with you, and you’ve let him once or twice every two weeks. 

But you didn’t feel comfortable with that anymore, especially now that you’re seeing Jimin, who didn’t know you were sleeping with Wes. It felt wrong sneaking around behind his back, so you had to end things are fast as possible. 

“How’s my favorite bartender?” Wes ran his hands down your waist. You stiffen and patted your wet hands on your uniform.

“I’m fine.” You awkwardly turned to face him, a strained smile on your face. You’ve decided that you’ll let him have you for one more night, so he wouldn’t get too mad at you.

“Where’s my kiss?” He gripped the back of your neck and you whimpered at his force.

“I-I’m at the front bar right now. I don’t think it’s right to be intimate, Wes.” You stammered, scared that he’d break your neck.

“When do I give a shit if people see? I’m the boss around here, (Y/N). I decide if you lose your job. Do you have a boy toy here that you’re afraid to see you kissing another man?” Wes had grew suspicious over the course of the months. You’ve never explicitly mentioned Jimin, but it was obvious you were hiding someone.

You shook your head, and Wes pushed your face into his. You scrunched up your face, not kissing him back. You hated kissing him. A kiss was an intimate thing that people shared and Wes ruined that for you.

Suddenly, you heard a loud crash at your side. A glass broke at your foot. Wes pulled away and you faced the culprit that threw the cup. It was Jen.

She stood over the counter, repulsed and inflamed. Her tiny body boiled as she yelled at you from the top of her lungs, “how dare you!? How could you do this to Jimin or the girls? You are a thoughtless whore. I can’t believe I thought for even a moment to trust you with their love. You played us all, (Y/N), bravo. Jimin doesn’t deserve to be played by someone like you.”

Wes let go of your waist and observed while leaning against the work station. You were too shocked to registered what was happening. “Jen.. please, let me explain..”

“I don’t need you to explain anything. What I saw was enough for me to make my final verdict. You are no longer allowed to see them. Stay the fuck away from my family. I refuse to let Jimin fall in love with someone just for her to hurt him like this. He’s suffered enough in his life, he’s a great guy. You are not the person I thought you were. I thought that I could leave them in your hands, that I actually liked you. I was so wrong. You’re trash.” Her voice was loud and clear, ringing in your ears. Streams were running down her face and a few of her friends watched from behind her, stunned at the scene.

Before you knew it, tears were falling down your face as well. You stood there motionless. “It-Its- a misunderstanding.”

“Save it, (Y/N). Just stay the fuck away from us. You never belonged in the first place. Did you actually think that you could fill the shoes of their mother? You don’t know a single thing about a family. Stop trying to stick yourself in somewhere you don’t fucking belong.” That stung you. Every word she said hurt like a dagger. You were pouring blood from your open wounds. 

She was right. You never belonged in their family. How dare you interject in their lives like that? How could you burden Jimin with all your worries and think about treating the girls like your own? You didn’t know how to love a family.

Jen berated on, “you don’t have to pretend to like Jimin anymore or that you care for the twins. I thought of you as family. Unbelievable. I don’t know what sick game you play, but you don’t have to do this anymore. Don’t you dare try to contact Jimin, or I will expose all of this to him.” 

You had no defense, no words for yourself. You broke the first rule you had for yourself. You hurt Jimin. You should’ve known better, that you couldn’t hold onto things for long. You didn’t think for anyone besides yourself.

Jen rushed off, her friends following her. Wes crossed his arms and ducked low to face you. “So I was right. You do have a boy toy. Amazing.” He was being sarcastic with his last compliment. You cried, ashamed of who you were. 

Wes shook his head and walked off. A customer was calling for your attention. You’d almost forgot you were still at work, so you wiped up your tears to serve him.

Wes let you off for the next two weeks because of how wrecked you were. He was afraid that you would scare off customers and that he didn’t want to see a slacker at work. You had no effort to work anyways. The life was sucked out of your entire body.

You avoided him like how Jen told you to. You stayed away. Jimin would not stop texting or calling you, even after you decided to call things off. He’d come to your apartment, knocking and calling after you. You didn’t answer, instead you cried in your bed at the sound of his voice.

You missed him. 

Kim told you not to show up at school either, judging by how things went down. She said that Jimin asked about you every morning and the girls would cry every time they didn’t see you. It was heartbreaking. You couldn’t explain yourself.

Jen hated your guts. She had every right to. Kim tried to console you that it wasn’t your fault and that Jimin would understand. But you pleaded her not to say anything to him. You knew it would bring him great pain knowing that Wes gets to kiss and touch you in ways that Jimin hasn’t even.

You thought about them everyday and you sobbed every night. You were filled with defeat and sadness. You blamed yourself for everything. Your selfish acts left you with a mess. You were so greedy to be loved by someone who wasn’t an asshole, who knew how to treasure your time.

After the years that Wes has been treating you like shit, you only wanted to be loved. Was it wrong for you to want such a simple thing? However, in this case, if things went bad, you didn’t just hurt one person. You hurt a group. If you hurt Jimin, it meant that you hurt the twins as well.

You were an idiot to think that you could waltz into their family and fit in. They were living happily before you and now they were miserable. You let them get too attached before they could realize that you were a horrible, selfish person.

The more you were alone, the more time you had to reflect about why Jimin never made things official between the two of you. It made sense. Jimin probably sensed that something was wrong with you. He felt uneasy and didn’t want to invest his time fully into a relationship with you. He couldn’t trust you.

He never spoke of his past or strange things that occurred because he didn’t think he could confide in you. He caught onto your ugly heart before you could stop it from showing. 

Jimin had never been so confused in his life. He wasn’t sure why you weren’t talking to him or why you suddenly wanted to stop seeing him. He thought the feelings were mutual, he made it clear. 

However, there was still that chance that you didn’t like him as much as he liked you. He couldn’t get that scene out of his head. The night of Jen’s dinner when you told everyone that you two weren’t dating, how you weren’t his girlfriend. Maybe you didn’t like him that much. 

It tore him to bits and pieces and he felt like a fool for falling so hard for you. He probably pressured you too much to see him, or you felt bad for a single father of twins. Whatever it was, it destroyed him. 

His frail heart wouldn’t give up on you though. He checked up on you regularly, even if you didn’t want to see him. He needed to know how you were doing or if you were eating. He missed you too much to stop caring.

“Just give it up, Jimin. She doesn’t want to see you.” Kim explained over and over every morning.

“Please, Ms. Kim. I only need to know if she’s okay.” 

“She’s fine.” Kim seemed doubtful, but she was the only one Jimin could rely on. “If you want to know how she is, call her yourself.”

“She won’t answer any of my texts or calls. I visit her but she doesn’t answer. I’ve taken it as she doesn’t want me to bother her anymore. She wants nothing to do with me because I probably was responsible for it. You’re the only one I could ask to know how she is.” Jimin’s hair was messy and his appearance wasn’t the same as it use to be.

Kim knew that it wasn’t his fault, but she couldn’t break your trust. She couldn’t do anything for Jimin, but to lie that you were okay. “Get over her, Jimin. It’s only for the best.” 

The twins were having a hard time as well. Jimin heard them crying almost every night, wondering where you ran off to. They were disheartened that you abandoned them, like how their real mother did. Jimin knew that wasn’t your intent. You loved the twins.

Everything was all over the place. Jimin felt like a dog chasing after a goose, crashing into a tree every four seconds. You were the one, someone he thought it would take him years to meet. He was growing impatient every year, but there you were. 

You gleamed in every spotlight and made him dizzy. You made him feel jittery, like when he had too many cups of the office’s coffee. Something about you made him thankful to the heavens that you two could finally be together.

Jungkook and Taehyung wouldn’t leave his side, knowing his conditions weren’t good. They were great friends, but Jimin didn’t have enough heart to appreciate them. He could only think about his aching heart and the emptiness that accompanied him after you left. 

[A/N]: alot of things happened in this chapter so i hope it wasn’t hard to process!! the series is slowly coming to an end, and i have to warn that i will not be able to update as frequent as i use to. im not sure if i need to take a short hiatus, but if i do, it would probably be after this chapter. i hope you guys don’t blame me bc i know how irritating it is not being able to have an update for your favorite stories. ill try my best!! thank you all for reading so far and i hope you all continue to support this series !! 

[fuckedupriot]

for the questions thing: all ones containing the number 2!

2. Have you been to any festivals? I have not but I really want to go to a couple this summer but I know neither of them will happen.12. One thing I have to bring to a concert?my mom bc idk how to drive and have only been to one concert without her?? (it actually was hippo campus so.. yeah)20. Met any internet friends at a concert?No, but there's a couple I almost met or found after the concert that I wish I did. I did actually did have someone follow me on tumblr after I posted about a concert I went to and it turns out I saw them and my sister even asked me about them (they were wearing costumes to match what the band wears) and I was even in the background of the picture they took and posted to tumblr which was hilarious.21. Which concert I've been to that had the best stage setup/production?I'm gonna have to say either fall out boy or twenty one pilots, both of them had amazing background visuals, and twenty one pilots did a lot of really cool things (hamster ball, 'teleporting' trick, coming into the crowd, climbing things -which I actually had to miss but oh well-, the center stage medley, plus tons more idk pal that show was just amazing say what you will abt the band, they do put on an entertaining show)22. Ever caught a drumstick, pick, setlist, etc.?No but the person literally right next to me caught zachs setlist at the hippo campus concert... I saw it with my own two eyes...23. Favorite concert venue?Tbh I don't know. Each one I've been to had its own unique feel to it. I haven't been to more than a few different ones, so I'll list what I liked about my top 3 lmao this might get long.. in no particular order: Bluestem amphitheater, Moorhead MN: I loved how open it was (it was outdoors lmao) it was really a beautiful venue, and so much bigger than I thought it'd be. I ended up being seated really close to the stage, so that was cool. GA seemed kind of boring at this venue, though. (was really awkwardly off to the side, literally like ten whole people in the GA) Sanctuary events center, Fargo, ND: Pretty small venue, but I liked that about it. Something about being squashed in with everyone was just really... nice? Added a lot to the experience, I think. People interacted with each other and we literally made a human wall to block this annoying couple out who kept trying to get back up to the front. They kept making out and falling into or straight up leaning on people/shoving them during the opening band.Xcel energy center, St. Paul, MN: This venue was huge! By far the biggest I've ever been to which isn't surprising bc its an arena lol anyways, it was really a strange but good feeling walking through there/seeing the show. Seeing all the people walk by, noticing how many people went past but it not really clicking how many until I actually got into the main area. It was amazing when it got dark and we all had our phones lit up to see how many lights were glowing in the crowd. Although I kind of prefer smaller venues, the experience of the arena was really cool and I am happy I got to experience it.24. Least favorite concert venue?Probably the Fargodome, but it would have been better if we weren't in the literal last possible row all the way up. We had a huge group and probably got tickets last minute, idk I only went bc me and my sister got to go 100% free with ride provided if she invited me. Not the venues fault, I'd probably see another show there but I don't remember much of the concert other than being super high up and if one person stood up the whole row had to, same with sitting. it was just awkward.25. Indoor or outdoor concerts? I've only been to two outdoor concerts, the rest have been indoors but tbh I wouldn't mind either as long as I got to go. 26. Clubs/theaters/arenas/stadiums??I like the feel of smaller venues, but tbh it doesn't matter as long as I don't need binoculars to see the band.27. Ever missed school/work for a concert? YES omg so I woke up one day just really dreading going to work. I just didn't want to, 100 times more than I usually don't. I didn't know why. My sister then calls me, it was about 2 pm and my shift started at 3. She asks 'do you work today' and I said 'yeah, why?' I thought she was offering to bring me to work but she just so casually was like 'oh. well my boss just offered to give me two tickets to fall out boy tonight but you work so I'll tell her no' and I'm like 'DUDE NO NEVERMIND I DONT WORK... GET THOSE TICKETS NOW' because like... I love FOB.. so I called into work and I was so excited I was shaking the whole time and I could barely even talk to actually call in.. and then we left and were speeding to the middle of North Dakota to the state fair to see fall out boy... it was fantastic and maybe one of the best things I've ever done.28. Ever been surprised with tickets from someone?Yea. Same story from question 27.29. Who do I enjoy going to concerts with?Have only been with my mom and my sister, but I'd love to have a dedicated concert buddy who I could just ask "hey can we go to this show" and they'd be down 100% of the time. I always end up missing shows bc nobody can ever get time off from work.32. Been to concerts two or more days in a row?Nope but I've been to shows 1 week apart last year and will probably be doing it again next month!42. Ever attended a concert alone?Nope but I loved it when my mom & sister finally left me alone at the twenty one pilots show so I could move up closer to the main stage.52. Favorite song I've heard live? Honestly idk if it's my all time favorite bc every concert kinda feels like a blur.. a strange one that I didn't expect to have loved hearing live would probably have to be we don't believe what's on tv by twenty one pilots. We all screamed 'yeah yeah yeah!!!' so loud. The whole arena was yelling.62. Ever seen a security guard dance at a concert? No but I almost got kicked out by security for dancing too hard at american authors. I saw video of myself last time I looked up old stuff from my concerts I've been to on youtube..... and I fully understand why lmao I was/am so obnoxious.oh my gosh anon I'm so sorry this is so long. thank you so much for asking!!

[pendragonness]

If anyone wants a novel-length recap on my (limited) adventures at the Sundance Film Festival... (I’ll throw in some photos to keep it interesting)

I am. so exhausted. I was exhausted after the first three days, and it never really calmed down. Between working all day, and a couple late night/early morning shifts, then having to commute back to the town with my hotel, and back in the morning, I never got more than 4 hrs of sleep a night and sometimes less. And the only actual meal I usually ate was a rushed breakfast from the hotel, then my food was just snacking on granola bars or half a bagel, and that was the day. I’m fucking beat.

But I did see 14 films, so, there’s that! The first night of the festival I went to I Don’t Feel At Home in This World Anymore, because a) there were only a few films showing and it sounded the most decent, and b) it stars Elijah Wood so I thought he might be there. He was. I saw Elijah Wood in person. It was unexpected and alarming and delightful. I also got to ask the director a question during the Q&A and made kind of a mess of the question bc Elijah Wood was being forced to hear me speak and that freaked me out, but

lmao little did I know what the next night was gonna be

So like a month ago when I made the post about having learned that Max Riemelt had a film showing at Sundance and was like, ‘does that mean he’ll be there, pls, etc etc..’ I was totally bullshitting myself. He wasn’t actually supposed to be there, guys. I wasn’t prepared for that. I wasn’t prepared to accidentally sit in the row in front of him, four seats to the side. I wasn’t. prepared.

I was talking to my friend and looked across the room and stopped midsentence bc

And I stared, a lot. So much. The ‘friend’ I’d made definitely wasn’t understanding my lack of focus on her and didn’t really care that I was having a crisis about Max Riemelt being approx. 8 feet away from me for the night. He was on his own, seated next to the director and producer, and just idly looked around and flexed his jaw constantly??? A couple times someone in the crew would talk to him and he’d be all laughs and smiles and omf. There was a moment where I was definitely gawking again - so overwhelming, guys - and he turned around and caught my gaze immediately and kind of gave that look like when you think someone’s said something but you didn’t quite hear it? which made me jump basically and look away bc I’d been caught, but we definitely made glancing-eye-contact a few more awful times and I was just so not chill. During the film (Berlin Syndrome; fantastic, btw) I was still not chill and kept casually glancing to my slight right, going from watching Max Riemelt on screen to watching Max Riemelt watch Max Riemelt on screen. aheruhgf. It was delightful. 

And then, right as the climax was building in the last 5 minutes of the film - it froze. Just stopped. The audience gasped, I looked over and Max had his hands over his eyes lmao. But it stayed frozen, the house lights came up...and then it played - having skipped ahead to the middle of the final climax. Then froze again, and I saw Max mouth “what the fuck” then just stare up at the lights akjehrujf. And then he and the director walked off, presumably to talk to tech people, and the film skipped to show us the end. So they cut it off, and we had the Q&A, which was very sympathetic (Max commented about being so upset he was shaking at the fuck up) but also fun, Teresa Palmer was really cheery and talkative and Max was pretty funny and damn cute (he was re-enacting the musical score at one point, that was something, omg) and there were good questions and discussion - altho the freaking director pointed at me for my question and then the producer said things were working again, and we were going to finish the film so I never got to have my moment but ok. 

(literally every venue intentionally creates the WORST FUCKING LIGHTING FOR PHOTOS)

And then at the end of the film, because apparently Teresa and Max aren’t important enough to need the security barrier like everyone else I saw, they were all just chilling in their seats as the audience walked out, so I got to walk past Max and had about half a second to realize I could talk to him if I wanted (it’s kind of acknowledged as common courtesy to leave the talent alone at screenings, or just give them a little space, so I had kept quiet in my 5 min of freaking out before the film started. altho now of course I wish I’d just had the balls to say something simple. I wanted to bring up Freier Fall so freakin badly but like. how would that have worked lmao.), but was that okay?? what to say? all I could think about was trying NOT to gush some ‘I LOVE YOU SO MUCH’ shit, so naturally that’s all I could think to say ajeryiuehf and then panicked because I had zero time, so I just garbled out some sort of “thank you so much, that was a beautiful film, thanks” and the director nodded and smiled but Max just stared and nodded and said “thank you” and I stumbled away before I could go super red in the face or god knows what because I was stressed and so fucking overwhelmed. Honestly seeing Max in real-life-person overwhelmed me more than anyone else I saw, and I saw a fair few people, somehow. I think I’ve decided it’s something to do with him being a foreign actor? Like, he’s supposed to always be in Europe, not somewhere where I could encounter him. Not my first fucking year at Sundance. And then the fact he actually made eye contact with me a few times and vaguely spoke at me......lmao what the fu c k

And then the next night I went to the premiere screening of the #1 film I had wanted to see at Sundance, Wind River. That screening went like it was supposed to, and I got to ask Taylor Sheridan about setting the film in Wyoming and such and the answers were wonderful and there was fantastic discussion and it was a fucking wonderful film and I tried so hard to see it more than once but my fucking work schedule made that impossible, whatever, I’ll wait 9 months or however long it takes. 

One of the stand-outs of that night though (other than Gil Birmingham being there, which also super delighted me) was when Jeremy Renner was asked to explain how he approached and portrayed the emotions his character has to do deal with, and in answering the (fairly average) question, he choked up and had to step away from the mic for a second to pull himself together. Everything he said in his answers to questions was just really emotional, interesting stuff, and that response was especially overwhelming. The film knocked the breath out of me, but the Q&A made sure I didn’t catch it back. That was amazing.

So I knew the rest of the festival had to just be downhill, and technically it was, but I still enjoyed everything. The next best film was probably Call Me By Your Name, which I had planned on seeing a couple weeks ago, largely because I can be superficial and dumb and queer Armie Hammer in Italy sounded majorly appealing. I was torn between two different screenings, because I couldn’t go to the premiere since that was one of my two night shifts - and then a really awful snow storm was coming in, so my boss told anyone who had to drive a distance that they could leave early. She tried to let me leave super early into the shift, and I felt bad that they were going to be really short staffed on such a late, busy night (we were hosting the premiere of some awful film about The Grateful Dead and the band was going to be there) and I didn’t know what I’d do with so much freaking spare time anyway, so I said I’d be okay and I’d stay. And two hours later I realized I fucking. could have actually gone to the premiere of Call Me By Your Name. I think it’s the only film (that I wasn’t working) I went to see that wasn’t the fucking premiere. And I cannot let that go. whatever.

also shout out to Casey Affleck for not being at Sundance and therefore I missed seeing what would definitely have been a better film (A Ghost Story was definitely Not Good) and was deprived of seeing Keanu Reeves in person because I thought I’d get to see Casey and that was a waste!! gdi.

Those were honestly the ‘important’ parts of the fest for me. My body hurts like hell from standing mostly stationary for 7-10 hrs a day every day for the past 7 days, my health and skin are awful because my eating habits mostly didn’t exist and weren’t good when they did, I could sleep for 3 days if I was allowed to, and I don’t feel at all interested in shit here, but I still can’t believe I had that experience. I do plan to apply next year, even though after the first two days I wasn’t sure I could actually handle that, and the amount of hours I worked really did interfere with seeing some films and that irritates me, but we’ll see. 

I also came to the realization that hearing other ‘filmmakers’ my age-ish talk about films and the industry and their beliefs and goals and shit really stresses me out + annoys the hell out of me. Most of them come across as really pretentious and fucking miserable and I despise it all pretty quick. Or I feel like I’m totally lost and talentless and there’s no hope for me. But it’s the actors I get most excited about, that excite me the most (other than Taylor Sheridan - he gave me fresh life, I swear). It’s hearing how the actors work and understanding how they approach their work, and imagining what it’d be like to work with them and see my writing or vision or whatever become real through them that excites me. I found myself ditching films I wanted to see for the sake of going to premieres to see actors I really like. Which is definitely not the purest approach to filmmaking, but whatever... It was just an epiphany I had, I guess. Not sure where that’s gonna go.

The festival did also help me re-focus about filmmaking too. I’ve fallen way too into routine here, with the country club and the unending monotony of my weekly schedule. I finally feel like I CAN start to write the scripts I’ve been wanting to start for months. I’m actually excited to start job hunting. I don’t feel as nervous at the prospect of moving, if that happens. And - really great - I’m mentally reset about a lot of things lately i.e. The Work Guy. I literally don’t care at all now, am not interested or bothered by anything. I am totally refreshed and have my regular priorities back.

I’ve come away from Sundance feeling predictably ‘inspired’ and totally exhausted and wanting to always gawk at real-life-person Max Riemelt and always hear Jeremy Renner talk about life (he seems so lovely, wtf) but also mentally and emotionally reset and I hope those are all good things